


Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome

by orphan_account



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man Noir
Genre: 1930s, Alternate Universe - 1930s, Does it count as an AU ?, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-29 02:53:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19821052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I really love Spider-Man Noir. I got into the comics after watching Spider-Verse and I fell in love with him. The way Peter speaks might be a little exaggerated and I'm So Sorry.





	Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome

As far as strangeness went in Wade’s life went, this whole thing was pretty up there. One moment, he had been fighting with the Avengers - which was a whole different type of weird to begin with - and then Spidey had shown up and things went to complete shit. 

So, yeah, him and the Avengers had a nice rough and tumble with some douche who thought that messing with parallel universes and time machines was a good idea. Spider-Man had shown up and Wade might have gotten distracted? Hard to recall, really, but can you blame him? Anyways, next thing he knew, he was getting blasted by one of the green rays that he had so perfectly avoided before and he had disappeared.

When he looked around, he knew he was still in New York, but things were much different. It was still bustling, and busy as always but the colors seemed off - muted. Thick smog, which seemed to increase by the minute with how many people were smoking, clouded his vision. 

“And I thought it was hard to breathe before.” He muttered. Luckily, almost too much so, he had appeared on a rooftop, so it wasn’t like everyone had time to gape at him. Though, when Wade looked closer at the people that could’ve done the potential gaping, he was surprised to see that the style had changed drastically. He heard someone drop down behind him, and stiffened. “If I had spidey sense, I think it’d be going off right now...” 

“Don’t know how you know about all that, but you need to leave, pal.” 

Wade turned around to see… “Well hello, Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome.” 

Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome didn’t seem very amused, though, considering he pulled out a gun, and pointed it at Wade. “New York’s got enough crime bosses. They don’t need another one and if ya don’t want lead between your eyes, I suggest leaving this city alone.” 

“Whoa!!! Calm your tits, Webs! Am I in some dark dimension?? Why do you have a gun??” 

“Speak sense!” 

“Look, if you get somethin’ outta shooting people, I’m not gonna judge you. Not after everything I’ve done… It’s not like it’s gonna do anything long term. Well, not for long at least…” The weird, dark Spider-Man had nothing to say to that, apparently, because he was silent for a long time. So, naturally, Wade kept talking. “So, are you just gonna stand there or are you maybe gonna give good ole Deadpool a nice, firm handshake that lasts just a little too long?” 

He seemed to hesitate, before quipping back, “Only if ya promise it won’t mean anything in the mornin’.” 

“Awh, we’re already getting along! We’re gonna be the best of pals, dark Spidey! Well, for as long as I’m in this weird dimension, anyways.” 

* * *

Which turned out to be a long time. A whole month later, Wade was still stuck. He had learned more about where in time he was - the 1930’s - and more about the new Spider-Man (old Spider-Man?). Turns out, Noir Spidey - as Wade had taken to calling him - was named Peter Parker and lived with his aunt, who was very active in making her voice heard about the injustices in the city. He mildly wondered if the Spidey from his time was the same.

“Y’know, I have a Spidey in my dimension. Haven’t talked to him very much… He’s just too good, y’know? Never kills anyone, always brings people to justice when they’ve wronged someone but never kills; he always seems to do the right thing.” Wade said, his eyes seemingly fixed on something past the rooftop. 

“I can’t exactly say the same for myself.” 

“Oh, I wasn’t trying to make it seem like I was comparing you two. If anything, I was comparing myself to him. I’ve done some bad things -” 

“So’s everyone else in this town. No one’s a saint, and I think it’d be best for you to remember that, even with this other Spider-Man and how good he seems.” Peter turned to look at him, 

“It just seems so weird. Spidey’s always seemed to be against killing, and here you are, gun in your holster. That wasn’t an innuendo, but it could be if you wanted.” Wade said, giving Peter a wink. 

“Weird how your mask does that… It ain’t like I go around tryin’ to kill everyone dangerous. It’s just… Necessary sometimes. And that goes both ways, got that? You have your fancy swords and more guns than I ever even seen in my life. You go around comparin’ yourself to this fella you maybe talked to once or twice, right? Who’s to say he ain’t ever done somethin’ foul? If he did, you think he woulda told ya when you first metcha? ‘Sides, he ain’t me. Ain’t lived my life and certainly ain’t had my experiences, even if we could have the same name.” 

“How do you know that?” Wade asked. “We’re in a fanfiction right now, and the author is conveniently using my fourth wall breaking abilities - which is absolutely lazy, if you ask me - so I can know what comes with the whole Spider-Man origin story. The uncle gets shot, the nephew takes on the responsibility because he feels guilty, yadda yadda yadda. It can’t be much different from what -” 

“My uncle wasn’t shot.” Peter cut in, seeming to ignore everything else he deemed as nonsense from what Wade had to say. “He was eaten alive by some cannibalistic freak called the Vulture, who worked for Norman Osborn - one of the biggest crime bosses in the city. Now, you listen here. I don’t know how you know about all that and I don’t care. But don’t you go and compare me to people you ain’t ever talked to more than twice.” Then he was gone. 

“You fucking idiot -” 

“That ain’t very nice -” 

“Shut the fuck up and c’mere.” Wade dragged him to the wall, propping him up, while Peter clutched at his side and winced. “I know you probably didn’t believe me when I told you, but I can’t fucking die, alright?? You shouldn’t have stepped in, I had it covered-” But he cut himself off when Peter went to take off his mask. “Wait-!”

“I can’t breathe, just-” And then it was off, and Peter was leaning his head against the wall. 

“Alright, fuck, okay. Where are your webshooters??”

“Web… What? I don’t got anything fancy like you’re probably used to, it just -” He lifted up his arm to Wade, and he couldn’t help but gush. 

“You shoot webs all on your own??” 

“Yeah, what about it - hey, cool it -” Wade pressed on Peter’s palm and black webbing shot out. Wade grabbed the strands and bound the wound on his side. The two stared at each other for a couple of moments, before Wade decided to break the silence. 

“Sooo… Glasses, huh? Y’know I wouldn’t have taken you for such a nerd. Not to mention the black webs; really adds onto the whole Noir vibe.” 

“I gotta get outta here.” Peter tried to stand, but groaned and clutched his side tightly, falling back to the floor.

“Hey, you can’t move like that, alright? How good is your healing factor?” 

“My what??” 

“How fast do you heal?? God, it’s like you think nothing I say makes sense.” Wade complained. 

“That’s because it doesn’t, pal. I should be fine by the morning, I just…” The stupid man decided to try and stand up again, and fell unconscious. Wade barely just caught him and pulled him close. “Stubborn dumbass…”

Wade fell asleep with Peter leaning against his shoulder, who was gone in the morning when Wade woke up. 

* * *

After a week of not seeing Peter, he heard a rap on the window of the apartment he had been squatting in. It was easy to slip by the landlord if there wasn’t one anymore. Peter had been upset about it, but later learned he had kidnapped over a dozen people who lived in his apartments to use and abuse, and his anger seemed to disappear immediately. 

Wade opened the window, only to catch an armful of catatonic Spider-Man. “Whoa, baby boy, what -” He didn’t know how Peter had found him, though he guessed he shouldn’t be so surprised; the guy had to pay attention to every little detail. Since he had been squatting, and the fact that it had just been him living in the apartment, he didn’t have much to help Peter out with. He set him down on the meager couch, and took a look at him. His mask lenses had been broken and shattered, and when Wade took off his mask, his face was terribly bruised and cut up. 

“Who did this??” He didn’t get an answer, and he frowned. “I’m gonna try and get a blanket or something, okay? If I can’t find one, I’ll just steal one; you just sit tight -” He moved to get up, but felt a hand grasp his wrist. He looked at Peter, to find him looking back tiredly at him. 

“‘m fine.” He rasped. 

“Like hell.” Wade said tersely. “Answer me. Who did this??” 

Peter haphazardly shook his head and closed his eyes. “Doesn’t matter. ‘m fine now. Safe.” The way he said that last word made something flutter in Wade’s stomach. Which, he berated himself for; he wasn’t some school girl. 

“You’re something else, y’know that?” Wade shook his head, glad that his mask hid his fond expression. 

Peter smiled crookedly, and Wade’s throat went dry. “Yeah… I know…” And then he passed out.

* * *

“I ain’t ever seen your face.” Peter said one day. 

“Oh, you don’t wanna see that, baby boy.” Wade laughed bitterly. 

“But I wanna. I wouldn’t-a brought it up if I didn’t.” 

“That’s what you think, now. It would be best if we just forgot about it, alright?” 

* * *

Peter didn’t have a chance to forget about it, though, because on one particularly ugly case he had taken upon himself to figure out, Wade had taken a shot to the head for him. Peter had freaked out, almost completely lost his composure as he shot the goon and webbed him and Wade to the nearest rooftop. 

“Wade. Fuckin’ talk, you bastard.” He cradled Wade’s head in his lap, pulling off his mask to see the damage. He knew that there was no coming back from the dead, that once you get your brains blown out that that was it. Peter tugged off his mask and threw it on the ground beside him. His eyes burned and he forced his tears to go away. “Don’t make me cry for you. Don’t be someone else that I lose.” 

The hole in Wade’s head slowly stitched itself back together, and then, “Ugh. What a headache.” 

He sat up and clutched his head, though he immediately balked when he felt his face instead of his mask. “Where’s my -” He looked at Peter, who was gaping at him. “Don’t fucking look at me!” 

“You….” 

“Yeah, hideous, I know. Can you save the comments for -”

“You came back -!” And then Wade was borderline tackled by Peter. “You ain’t… You ain’t dead.” 

“I told you before that I can’t -” 

“You think I thought about that when you died right in front-a me??” 

“And why would you care if I did or not? I’m a scarred mercenary. I’ve killed people.” 

“So have I.” Peter said steadily.

“Yeah, but -” 

“No. That goon shot you and I lost it. I… I shot him back and completely abandoned everythin’ I set out to do. You think I care about your scars? I’ve seen men with eight inch teeth, and skin that peels off to reveal somethin’ green underneath. You help me out and I… I care about ya. The stars couldn’t shine brighter than you, even if they wanted to -” 

But Peter was cut off immediately, because Wade was kissing him. He stiffened, and didn’t move until Wade pulled away. 

“Fuck. I forgot, it’s the 30’s and that shit isn’t allowed like it is back home, it’s just the way you were talking and you didn’t seem grossed out because of my scars, and you’re probably never gonna talk to me again and -” 

“Wade-” Peter tried. 

“No, I should just go, should just try and figure out how to get back home so I can leave you alone and -” 

“No! I…” Peter trailed off. “I don’t want ya to leave! You… I… It ain’t allowed but neither is Spider-Man. When has that ever stopped me? You just… Caught me off guard, is all.” 

“Wait, so you-” 

“Wade, just… Shut up, would ya?” 

“I just wanted to clarify and -” 

“Shut up.” Peter said, before pulling him into another kiss. 


End file.
